Growing strong with Family

It has been a few months since my last blog posting, so I thought I would share a story about a very special lady who is an inspiration to me.  My dear wife Renee Gray!

Renee and the kids a few years ago

Renee and I have been married for almost 15 years, and I have had the privilege to be with her through the sunshine and through the rain, through the mountains and the valleys.  Life has definitely been an adventure with this wonderful lady.  If you know Renee, she faces the challenges of life with a poise and humor like no one else!   

In 2004 and 2005 we had to say goodbye to her dear parents Albert and Coby Budding due to unexpected illness.  It was a difficult time.  However, during that same period we were blessed to bring our first child into the world, and then shortly after that our second child.  There was definitely a mixture of emotions going on!  All of that happened, and we were only at the beginning of our adventure together!  

I won't be able to explain the rest of the journey in my own words, so I asked Renee to write about it.  Here is her story.

When I read John’s introduction, my first thought was WOW – he really went far back in time! Then I realized that for me to start my story, I’d go back even further. For this part of the story, which I’d describe as my mental health journey, I’ll go back to 1999.

Christmas 1999, I shared a letter with my friends and family in which I revealed that I had been dealing with depression. My future husband, John, was surprised to read my letter, he said he thought I was such a happy person. That is the common reaction I receive when people hear about my struggles. At that time, I was dealing with depression caused by reverse culture shock after my return from two years in Africa. I was seeing a Christian counsellor, however, I was brought to a point, in discussions with my counsellor and my doctor, where I had to admit that I needed something more and that was the first time I began taking medication to help with depression.

Renee's Parents

Fast forward several years to 2007... by this time, John had become my husband and we had been blessed with two wonderful children, Jeremy and Naomi. All my dreams had come true, I had everything I ever wanted – a good man and beautiful children. However, yet again, I faced the dark cloud of depression. This time, it was considered post-partum depression (my daughter was about a year old) as well as dealing with the grief of miscarriages and the recent deaths of my parents. Once again I had to admit that I needed more than counselling and again I was put on medication.

Fast forward once again to the summer of 2013. I am still married to the wonderful husband and my lovely children are growing up and making me more and more proud of them each day. I have a very good job and friendly colleagues to work with. From an external perspective, my life was perfect. And yet.... I found myself dealing with depression and this time with general anxiety disorder as well. What made this experience different from the first two times I dealt with depression is that previously I had taken a couple of weeks off work, taken the medication and returned to work. This time, I felt as though I had been knocked off my office chair. I had to stop working for several months, I had to admit that I could not do my job and I was barely managing to be the mother I wanted to be. I didn’t even know if I would ever be able to return to my job.

Even though my most recent bout of depression was the worst yet, I consider it to have been a beautiful gift from God and I would not trade it for anything. The Lord has brought me closer to Himself through my journey through depression and anxiety. I have clung to the word of God and He has not let me down. I meditated on the first few chapters of Matthew for several months. I’d go to sleep at night imagining Jesus on the hillside teaching the people. I could see His eyes of compassion looking at the sick and wounded because I’d seen His eyes of compassion looking at me!  I meditated for hours on Psalm 23 – the Lord is my Shepherd, he makes me lie down by still waters, he restores my soul. I was depleted, exhausted, empty, and the Lord has filled me anew.

The painting in our living room

The message that I would like to share with others who may be facing mental illness or other challenges is to know that YOU ARE NOT ALONE! I would encourage you to be open with at least one or two people in your family, school, church or office about the struggles you are facing – in addition to your doctor. When I first approached the prayer group at my church, I asked to pray with just one person instead of the whole group – at that point I was not ready to tell more than one person. Another message to share is that it’s OK to cry in church – the gospels tell of many times when Jesus wept and often in public. (I even cry at work once in a while!) If a friend gives you a hug and you are having a bad day – it’s ok to cry on their shoulder, even if you are not ready to tell them what is on your heart, they will likely be very willing to pray for you and encourage you.

This painting that hangs in my living room is symbolic of my journey. When I was not well, I looked at the painting and I felt anxious because I didn’t know what was around the corner and I was afraid to go there. Now, by God’s grace and healing in my life, when I look at the painting, I still don’t know what is around the corner – but I know WHO is there. As long as Jesus is with me, I am no longer terrified of the unknown and I face the future with hope.