I recently turned 39 this past February 3rd. It has taken almost my entire life to get over the image of myself as being lethargic and over-weight. Most of my acquaintances in the past 15 years would not know this about me. I would often torture myself at the gym every day to keep up the appearance of not being "that fat little boy". I let my self-confidence be government by the number that appeared on a scale. I know it is not logical, but it was an image that built up over time based on a false sense of self.
I was always the kid that was last to be picked for the team sport event because I was overweight and slow. I remember hating track and field day because it was a day of ridicule: I almost always came in last in every single event we were forced to participate. My wonderfully optimistic mother would solace me by saying "someone always has to come in last, so you helped someone else by being last -you have a strong character so you don't need to let it bother you". So I thought it didn't bother me, but somewhere deep down it did.
However over time I let this self-thought turn into a false image of myself. I put myself in a box. I struggled and fought to get out of the box, but I didn't realize it had always been opened. I just had to turn around! I no longer need to look at myself that way. It is not the truth, and never was the truth.
This program has helped me to come to this realization. It is like a mirror that has allowed me to look at myself from a different point of view. When you look in the mirror, you see an image of self, but what is there under the surface? It often takes stepping out in a new direction to see what is there. I have started to take steps in a new direction and that has allowed me to see myself from a different point of view!
I wrote this poem when I was in high school which seem appropriate at this time:
Beauty is a mask that has been well designed:
but when the mask becomes
worn,
whethered,
and
wrinkled
it becomes transparent revealing what is inside.
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